Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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