he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
