they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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