We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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