Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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