After last night, I could never be a politician.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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