I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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