Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I will be naked everywhere
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Randomize
