this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
