In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
