You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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