I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
