i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
