I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
