And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
