Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
