I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
