Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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