Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize