No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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