Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
