Duck Duck Cougar?
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
