Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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