I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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