I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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