Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
