I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
