Barsexuality is the new black.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
