there was a trapeze. enough said
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
