Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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