just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
