im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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