Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
be right there i have to get my cape
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
