woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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