Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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