I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
is wine microwaveable?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
