Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
