My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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