Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
