You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
