I hate your face
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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