Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
