I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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