Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
