BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
