I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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