I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Randomize
