when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
