he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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