I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
