I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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