please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
