Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
