Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
