my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
