You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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