am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
