McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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