drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
