I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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